Things are getting closer with Daniel, more intense, more intimate, more connected. I can feel him coming “home” to me. Yesterday in our conversation he asked where I’d be living when I got back into town at the end of January. I told him honestly that I had no clue. My first priority has always been to get a job and then figure out the living situation. When I asked where he would like me to be, he said within half an hour of him. Somehow I’m thinking that if Lorelei ends up moving out, that answer might change. But then again, it might not.
I’m not sure if living with him would be a good idea or a disaster. I know he needs his space. And if she moves out, it will be because he kicked her out and he’ll be even more territorial then. So perhaps not. I’ll just put it out to the universe that I would like a comfortable, affordable home with good energy and safe space to appear within a short commute (0-40 minutes) of Daniel’s home. After that, it’s up to spirit.
I can feel things getting closer between us. I don’t know where it’s going (OK I can see some of it), but I like it. It’s more intense than anything I can remember in the past, and that’s including Jim who had been my benchmark until now. It’s just so comfortable. We can talk about anything it seems and the level of intimacy that we share even at this early date outstrips everything I’ve ever known. The sexual openness is exciting to me and the ability to just be comfortable with our sexuality too.
Last night I told him that I liked the idea of just being around the house doing my own thing and happening to wander by the bedroom while he’s masturbating. Being able to just stop for a moment and watch, perhaps give an encouraging word or two and then move on back to my stuff was really good. He liked it too. I believe his comment was “If this gets any easier, I won’t know what to do.” I know exactly what he means.
I feel like I want to keep talking here, to keep the feeling alive in me, but, unlike adolescent infatuations of the past, this is alive in me whether I pay active attention to it or not. It is nestled in the core of my being, in that comfortable space of centeredness. It is the bloomings of a mature love, not yet fully formed, but molding and shaping in the energies of creation. I can feel it coming into form, slowly, languidly, no hurry involved. It is taking its time so that it may be created fully and in depth before solidifying into form. And I am content to have it be so. For once in my life, I am content to be patient. I can see the progress and that is fulfillment of its own sort.
So here I sit, in awe of this creation which I am helping to make. Not knowing how to approach it fully, but knowing that this is what I was made to do. To love fully and completely without restraint. To trust without fear. To dive to the depths of my soul and his and discover the wonders that exist when two entwine. This is where I belong, and I find it difficult to place importance on anything else. This is my home.
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire spiritual journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.