I said good-bye to my favorite contemplation spot in CT yesterday. I realized how much of my life was wrapped up in that spot. It was where I went to contemplate my divorce and where I went to celebrate it, where I went to express my loneliness and grief, where I came to celebrate my freedom. It was a touchstone, my connection. And, as wonderful as all those things are, it was a place for me to keep all the ability to touch in outside of myself. I can already feel the difference it has made to bring that touchstone point within me.
I also went back to my old real estate office. I was stunned to realize that people were actually happy to see me. Funny, huh? It seems that I’ve been applying my abandonment issues to others. Seems that I harbor this secret fear that people will suddenly hate me when I leave. I’m afraid that they will decide to focus on all of my bad points and find that all my good ones were just illusions to begin with. I truly am afraid that my friends will hate me for abandoning them. Logically I understand that this makes little sense, but there it is anyway. I never claimed my fears were rational.
Anyway, in addition to the revelations I’ve been having about myself, I’ve also been having some problems. I’ve been having an allergic reaction to almost every place I’ve stayed in recent weeks. It started when I returned to Chris and Jacob’s after the festival. Something had mildewed and that set me off. Then, Anna and her boyfriend smoke and I’m allergic to cigarette smoke, so that added fuel to the fire. The one relief was the basement bedroom at Mark’s, but even that was a little musty which didn’t make me sneeze, but wasn’t dry enough to let me recover fully. Now I find I’m deathly allergic to Sandi’s cats. Really wierd for me since I’m rarely allergic to cats. I had a really good allergy season this year too, which is what makes me stop and notice this all the more. I had actually gotten to the point where I had thought I was over my allergies. NOT. I’m thinking that my body may be using all of this as a way to cleanse my it of the toxins I’ve been ingesting recently. Not sure.
Anyway, I’m going to head out now and check in at Amethyst Moon to see if she’s sold any of my jewelry. Then it’s on to the movies. I really want to watch a movie today. White Oleander or the new Adam Sandler film that I can never remember the title to are the top of my list. Then I’m stopping to check my mail box in the hopes that my annual check for my birthday has arrived from Dad. Then back up to visit with Anne and pick up the rest of my mail. Lots of errands, plus a little touching base. Should be fun.
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire spiritual journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.
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