On Being (Too) Big

I Am BIG
My whole life, it’s been impossible for me to hide.  I’ve got a big voice and a big personality and, more recently, a big body.  I take up space.  There’s no denying it. Personally I like being big.  Some people find it intimidating, but if they take a moment to engage with me, they find that I may be big, but I also make huge amounts of space for others.

Space for Others
At my party this weekend, I invited people to share some of their memories of me.  (I love to see what people remember, it often reminds me of things I’ve forgotten.)  One of the people at the party made the comment that she remembered me listening to her as she talked about her experiences when she had lived in another state.  She felt not only seen, but understood and held in reverence.  One of the reasons this is so is because I accept her for who she is.  I don’t judge her.  The fact is that I am likely the least judgmental person you’ll meet.  And this is why I find it so incomprehensible when others judge me.

When Will Judging Based on Weight Be “Un PC”?
I can’t wait until what is “politically correct” catches up for me.  It’s not OK to judge people by their race, it’s almost not OK to judge people by their gender, but it seems that it’s still fair game to judge people by their weight.  You’d be amazed at the judgments that people put out about me because of my weight.

Unhappy?  Not!
They assume I’m unhappy and that I eat to make everything alright.  That’s patently not true.  I am in fact quite a happy person.  Do I eat on the rare occasions that I am unhappy?  Yep.  But I eat at other times too.

Lazy?  Not!
They assume that I’m lazy because I don’t go to the gym.  Am I lazy?  Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I get more done in a day than the average person gets done in a week.  Nope – not lazy.  Simply put – I hate to sweat and I don’t like doing things that a) aren’t interactive and b) don’t get me anywhere.  Now if I get on my bike and ride to someplace I want to go, or I walk down to the corner store, I’m happy to get some exercise.  But sitting in a gym and staring at the walls while I pretend to walk somewhere just isn’t my game.

Stupid?  Not!
They assume that I’m not so bright because clearly I don’t understand the health risks associated with being “overweight” (don’t get me started on that term).  If you’ve read my blog for any time at all, I think you’ll be able to say with certainty that being “no so bright” is not one of my qualities either.  And, quite frankly, I bet that my blood pressure is lower than most of the people’s reading this (110/76) and my cholesterol hasn’t moved since I was 18 (about 120 pounds ago).

Lacking Will Power?  Not!
They assume that I have no will power.  But I have fasted for two weeks.  And I have given up all sugar and red meat for a month.  I have even gone off dairy for a year.  I have lots of will power.

Keep The Judgments to Yourself
They assume somehow that they have the right to tell me that I should lose weight.  People close to me mention it because they are “concerned for my health”.  They believe that because they love me, they have the right to weigh in on the matter.  And yet even that justification doesn’t always work because sometimes even strangers feel that they have the right to tell me what to do with my body.

Even on My Birthday
I got a birthday card recently from a reader (it was my birthday yesterday).  And the message in the card was lovely.  There was a picture of cake on the left of the card and yet when I scrolled down, somehow, I felt less than appreciated.  Below the picture of the cake was a message that said “Nothing Tastes as Good as Slim Feels, Celebrate Wisely”.  So it seems that because I am large, even on the day that everyone else in the world is encouraged to indulge, I am not allowed.  As though I am to do penance for my size.

Unseen
It’s very sad to feel so completely unseen in this way.  Ironically, last week I ordered a shipment of Nutrisystem and it should be arriving in a day or so.  I did it not because I am unhappy with how I look, but because I am wanting to be a little more agile as I wander through life and this having been my 40th birthday, I figured that I’d better get on it before my metabolism slows down more.  I almost didn’t tell you this because I was afraid that it would unsay everything I’ve said.  But I trust you, dear reader, to be smarter than that.

Judgment is An Ugly Thing
What I am saying is that judgment is an ugly thing – for any reason.  It feels bad to be judged but it is worse for the person doing the judging.  You know why?  Because while I only feel judged when someone outright does it to my face, those who judge others feel judged constantly – even when they aren’t being judged by anyone else.  They are judging themselves and this is what weighs on them, more than my pounds ever could weigh on me.

So I thank you for your love and concern, and I’ll thank you to keep your judgments to yourself.  I am beautiful and sexy and amazing just as I am.  And I always will be – no matter what size I choose to be.

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