The other night I went to my normal karaoke spot and there was a new woman there. She was pretty in that 20-something sort of way but not really remarkable. But then she got up to sing – a sexy, sultry song I hadn’t heard before. She asked me to come on stage with her because she was nervous – she needed someone to sing to. And as she opened up her song and directed that raw sensuality in my direction, I was in awe.
I have never before seen a woman so clearly in her sexuality – not throwing it at me, not demanding anything with it, not even trying to get attention – just standing there in that raw sexuality wearing it like a second skin. This, I thought, must be what Helen of Troy must have been like. She didn’t have any of the predatory energy that is typically associated with a powerfully sexy woman – that “come here little boy (or girl) and let me chew on you for a while – I promise you’ll like it.” She just was there – raw, sexual, powerful in her being-ness. I took careful note of this state of being for future reference.
Often when we as women attempt to be “sexy”, we have too many issues to get past to pull it off effectively. So we “push” and over-act. But real sexy-ness comes from within. It’s not in what we do or say, it’s in how we are in our bodies, how we engage with the world, in how we think of ourselves.
If you are constantly thinking about how that hated part of your body is too – whatever it is too much or little of – then you are going to have a challenge being sexy. Sexy is a function of your inner knowledge of that fact. It is a confidence that you carry within you – a confidence that says, “yes, I’m really quite good – at everything”. It is subtle, it is overt, but it is rarely over the top. It doesn’t ask for attention or demand it, it simply gets it because it is compelling.
When you are feeling sexy from the inside out, you feel calm, yummy, attractive, attracted, engaged, present, and slightly amused. You know where your physical and energetic edges are – and where they are for everyone else you are engaging in the moment. Presence and awareness are incredibly sexy.
I have often gotten comments from men about how they are normally not attracted to larger women but somehow they find me incredibly compelling and desirable. Are there men who won’t be affected by my inner sense of self? Sure! But I just use my favorite four letter word to deal with them – “NEXT!”
I had a friend years ago who was in her 60’s. She was overweight, she had scraggly really thinning bleached-blonde hair, she was missing quite a few teeth, had a voice that sounded like ground glass and only one leg. She was totally unappetizing physically. You would think that she would never get laid, and yet she regularly bedded the hottest young men. I asked her about this once and she smiled that mostly toothless gape-jawed smile at me chuckling in that low gravelly voice. And then she switched it on – that raw sexual energy – it came out through her eyes like warm chocolate flowing across my face and skin and down my body. Her face and body melted away and I was engaged with her on another, more primal level. She caressed my cheek and ran a finger across my lips which parted at her touch. Then she pulled back and settled back into herself saying “that’s how I do it”. Yes, it was. Whew!
So the next time you’re feeling not sexy, take a note from my friend’s book. Remember that it is how you feel on the inside, not what you look like on the outside that matters. Decide that you’re sexy, that you know it down to your very core and hold it there. It’s not required that anyone in particular notice it, it isn’t required that every man fall at your feet. In fact, nothing has to happen at all. Just knowing it yourself is enough. When you can anchor that knowing in your body, in your being-ness, you’ll find that the world around you changes. Men (and some women) will watch you walk by. They will ask you out on the street. They will whistle and admire. Enjoy it.
Join The Mailing List
Get access to special offers and insights into new ways of being.