I’m trying to figure out a whole bunch of stuff at once. One, why all the readings say that I’m looking in the wrong places. Two, why I actually considered it when my mother suggested teaching school. Three, why I can’t seem to get my shit together around writing the brochures. Four, what I am still working on that keeps me noticing all these people who are not giving themselves credit for still being in process even if it’s not physically obvious. And, five, why the hell I am manifesting not having cash.
So that’s a lot.
I’m overwhelmed. That’s a given. I’m depressed. This too is a given. Now, break it down and start fixing it, rather than whining. I know all this stuff. Hard to do on one’s own sometimes.
Issue #1 – looking in the wrong place
I know that doing the same thing over and over again drives me batshit. I know that corporate America is built on repetition. Yet I continue to look in corporate America. I also know that I have very little in the way of marketable experience that most corporate jobs would find appealing. So, is this wishful thinking? Is it self-sabotage? What? Because the foregoing statements aren’t completely true given that I’ve had a couple of interviews. But no offers yet. In fact, I’ve had a distinct lack of communication from these potential employers. Sigh. No clue.
Issue #2 – Teaching school?
Sam teaches at an alternative high school. We regularly discuss her days and how she handled things and her training classes. I could do the job she does. I have the instincts and the attitude and the knowledge for it. But would I want to? The kids drive me batshit at times. I’m not sure doing it full time would be any better. Plus, income-wise it is less than attractive. I think I’m just grasping at straws here.
Issue #3 – Writing brochures
I’m in such avoidance on this one I couldn’t even remember what this issue was, I had to go back and reference it again to get the heading for this paragraph. I know what to write. I have the material to print it on. The thought of going back to having my own business is intimidating and seems counter-productive. I think I’m a little burned out on this. I don’t trust myself to make it work. Been there too many times to only make a pittance and not be able to support myself. I don’t trust myself is what it comes down to. How sad, huh?
Issue #4 – Still working
It seems I’ve been telling everyone to give themselves a break, they’re doing work on a more subtle level that is not so obvious, but is still emotionally and energetically draining. That usually means that I should take the same advice myself. I opened “The Places That Scare You” today and it talked about letting go of preconceived notions and releasing all assumptions and the inherent drama that comes with those processes. I’m drawn back to the image of being pregnant from the dream and the feeling that I’m waiting for things to come to fruition. It’s extremely frustrating though. I feel like I am so ready to just be doing something. I can feel spirit telling me that they are working on something really cool and to just be patient, but that’s hard to do with my living situation up in the air and my finances on rocky ground.
Issue #5 – Failing to manifest cash in abundance
Now, don’t get me wrong here. For someone who has had essentially no income for a month, I am doing OK. I have manifested abundance in the form of Daniel and Sam both of whom are taking excellent care of me, but I don’t want them to have to. I want to be self-sufficient again. This is driving me up a wall. I need to have cash of my own. I need to have the freedom to drive somewhere without worrying whether I’ll have the cash to get home. I need some breathing space on this.
So that’s my stuff. I had hoped that writing it down would be of some use to sorting it out, but alas, it seems to have been to no avail. Any suggestions/comments you guys might have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire spiritual journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.