Well, it was an interesting evening. I spent the night being terrified. Terrified that the person I was looking at wasn’t the one I had been talking to over the phone. Terrified that it was. Terrified that our plans for the future didn’t mesh. Terrified that he would see too much. Terrified that I would see too much. Terrified that he didn’t care for me the way I thought he did, and terrified that he had been truthful and was as invested at he seems. Basically, I panicked.
And then he was there and calm and understanding and patient. He triggered a big button too. “What happens if you let someone inside? They’ll figure out I’m a really bad person and they’ll hate me for it. Or they’ll be able to love you from the inside. – ARRGGHH!!! Panic! Ah Ah run run run !!!!” Tears everywhere, great. Good starting point for the first day back.
I finally calmed down and we managed to get into a groove again. The sex was good, the connection was better. I was on the first day of my pre-period horniness and coming off of a month of frustrated desire so I overwhelmed him a bit with my drive (also overwhelmed my vagina – ouch!). He’s a little intimidated about keeping up. He’ll learn that he won’t have to worry about that. I’m happy with a couple times a week and can be talked into more on a regular basis as needed.
He called today to just hear my voice. That was nice. I’m crampy and premenstrual and I want to sleep, but I’ve promised to help prep for the party tonight, so I’ll be baking away after a little lunch (which might help with the lack of energy).
He sent me an email saying that he had never put his picture together with anyone else before and certainly not nudes. He said that if that didn’t tell me something about how he felt and where he hoped things were going, then I was numb to the feeling of the key in my hand. I realized that he’s right. He may not directly express his feelings, but he certainly gets his point across. He’s very invested in this. I’m wondering if I am as invested. The not ever getting to live with him thing really bothers me, but I also know that he is in transition and this may change. It also may not. That could be a problem for me in the long run. I’m just not sure. We’ll have to see.
I’m feeling a little numb today. It’s a curious feeling after having looked forward to seeing him for so long. I may be a little overwhelmed here and shutting down because of that. I just don’t know how to process this level of feeling. It’s odd and strange and unfamiliar. Sigh. I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll meditate on it for a while.
(Update 2013 – Looking back at this I realize just how far I’ve come. I’m no longer in fear that people will discover that I’m a bad person because I now know I’m not. I’m also not in a place where I have to hide from my feelings by retreating into meditative space. I can sit with them and allow them to flow through me without letting them own me. I am peaceful most of the time. Worry not, dear reader. At the end of this journal, I’ll tell you what happened in the long run between Daniel and me. I won’t leave you hanging.)
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire spiritual journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.
