Today’s journal entries for Lorelei and Julia speak of lost love, specifically of losing Daniel. They both hit the point of acceptance today that he has gone elsewhere, meaning that he has come to me. I have been watching as his commitment level to me has risen steadily in the last few weeks. This weekend with him spending time with Jenne sexually and me not having a cow, in fact with me being totally OK with it, I think was the final piece of the puzzle for him. I feel his level of commitment rising and I’m not sure if he’s even aware of it himself.
From the comments about how to set up his room, to the comments in the email today asking me to love him and just be true, I can see it more and more. My level of commitment is rising too. I can’t say yet that I am in love with him, but I do love him as a very close friend now. I need to be in his presence again to see who we are together now, after all of this has passed, before I will be able to tell for sure. I can see the possible future and it is bright for us, but there is much to wade through personally for each of us along the way.
His time for that wading is now. He just found out that Julia threw the items relating to their relationship into the Merrimack River. And Lorelei has done something else relating to Jenne’s visit that has him in conniptions and talking about throwing her out of the house.
I know that these steps are necessary, that they are a direct reaction to the bonds that he and I are forming, but how do I share that information with him? In order for us to make it to the next level, there has to be clear space. His commitment to that process has brought about these changes.
I started this journal entry with the question about whether or not this stuff was my fault. I was going to self-flagellate for a while around how many people’s lives I have to ruin in order to get what I want. But I think I’m over that now.
It’s not about me per se. True, if I hadn’t come along this stuff wouldn’t be happening. But if he hadn’t wanted what I have to offer then it wouldn’t have happened either. Plus, these women obviously needed this lesson in their lives as well. It just saddens me to hear of it. I know that this is a hard time for them all and I want to be helpful, but there is really nothing I can do.
So I sit and wait for Daniel to call, to see if I can offer some piece of solace to his battered heart today. Perhaps a poem to lighten his spirits…
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire spiritual journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.