Well I’m here at Jeff and Suzie’s house in Salem. I spent yesterday travelling from the Cape and then went to “Stone Soup” which is a regular gathering that Jeff and Suzie attend. I got a reading there from Autumn and it kind of bothered me.
He said that I was running away from the stuff here and that this journey was nothing more than a continuation of the circles I have been running in for the past four years. I know I’ve been running in circles. It started when I got up here, that’s why I thought leaving would be a good idea.
He also said that I am too swayed by other people’s opinions. Yet again, I know this. This is why I’ve done the walkabout the way I have, staying with people who hardly know me so as to avoid getting stuck in that mode and to find who I am without other people’s opinions coming into play.
He was right about a lot of things in the reading, including the fact that I feel deep down that things are for shit. Funny enough, I also feel deep down that things are fabulous. Yet another dichotomy that I guess I get to sit with on this journey.
The good part of the reading was the meditation exercise he gave me at the end of it. He had me go into a library (one that looked really familiar to me when I got there) and introduced me to my part of the akashic records. This room contains all of the information I need to know about myself. Now I just need to get up the courage to read some of the books….
Anyway, he was telling me that I’ve spent a lot of time creating other people’s dreams (duh) and that I need to go create my own (if I knew what that was, it would be great). He saw something in the metaphysical world for that and he also saw the fact that I’ve been looking for a partner in my life. This has always been true for me. I’ve tried to create it by dragging business partners into all of my ventures, but to no avail. He says that this person is out there and I just need to call to him and then let go of my expectations around how the relationship will manifest. That should be interesting.
Midnight also did a reading for me specifically around my love life. She said that I would meet my next relationship man in 4-8 months. Finally out of the years and into months category. Hell, that’s not long. I can wait for that.
One other thing that has come back to haunt me is what Ken said when we talked earlier this week. He said that he had seen me poised for massive change before and that I was like a person walking into a feast where I walked out with a light snack. I had the opportunity to do a lot of work and I only did a little. That really bothers me.
I’m frustrated with Autumn’s reading because I really felt like I did a lot of good work at the Cape during the time when my old circle was reforming.
I participated in the disbanding of my old circle and got a chance to really adjust my thinking about my friends. I got to take my concept of the role I was playing for them and let go of it. I could just be their friend. That was very cool. Then, they wanted to reform the core of the new circle. I didn’t want to be bound to this area any more and I knew that my walkabout was not the energy they needed in the circle, so I went for a walk to do my own work.
I drove down to the beach area down the road from Tracy’s house and walked out the boardwalk over the salt marsh. It is a very long boardwalk with a sitting area at the end of it. It was really cold and most of the people on the walk were leaving. I had the boardwalk to myself. I cast circle out at the end and called in the spirits. I opened myself up to the universe and, for the first time in months, I was ready to ask for something from the universe other than simply surviving on this journey. I called forth happiness in a career, in my love life, and in my life in general. I also committed to accepting help from others and from spirit. I also committed to letting people in more and to getting rid of the hats I’ve been wearing and just be me.
By the end of the ritual, my heart chakra had finally opened again. And this time, it didn’t seem painful like it has in the past. That’s a good sign. Anyway, I was closing the circle and saying my thanks just as a couple walked onto the end of the boardwalk with me. I settled back thinking I would sit for a while and enjoy the view, but spirit told me it was time to leave – now. I got up and began to walk back. I passed a woman who said “it must be a lot warmer walking back”, referring to the wind that was whipping her face and was now at my back. I agreed and took the comment on both of the levels intended by spirit. I got about halfway down the walkway when the setting sun dipped below the clouds and shone across the marsh, lighting the vertical stays of the railing. It was as though I were walking down a magickal corridor lit by heavenly light. It was the most amazing thing I have seen. I knew instinctively that I had to get to the end of the walk before the sun set. I also knew that it was me walking down the energy road and into the life I had just created.
I stepped off the path and thought to turn around to see if the stays were lit from this direction as well, but was clearly told not to look back. So I walked back to my car (conveniently parked out of line of sight of the boardwalk), got in and wrote my journal entry (not this one – this is my current memory of it, should be interesting to compare notes). I drove back to the party and waited in the driveway until they had finished their circle.
It’s funny, there was a time when I would have felt very left out by not being invited to be part of the new circle when it was the circle I had formed that was creating it. I was really OK with it. They had their work to do and I had mine. Everything was as it should have been.
The next day I took one of the apples that the circle had charged with energy to bring about wishes and cast it into the lake with the intention of accepting help from whatever quarter it came. I guess Autumn was the one of the first answers to that wish. Sucks though. Just when I thought I was doing so well….
Ah well, I know I did a lot of good work that day. I also know I have a lot more work to do. No surprise there. I guess I was just hoping for a pat on the back for the first before I got hit in the head with the second. The wonders of life review between Sawain and Yule, no rest for the weary. My heart chakra is still open, I’ll count that as a blessing. Although I am finding that I am on the verge of tears a lot in the past few weeks. Seems I have a lot of stuff to let go of. What I really need is some time to myself. A cabin for a week to sit and think about things without anyone else’s energy intruding. Are you listening, universe?
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire spiritual journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.