The longer I go on this journey, the harder it is. I find that my ability to have faith in this trip is directly related to the support of my host family. Here in NY we haven’t even discussed the nature of my journey with Chuck’s parents. Add to this the fact that I am looking forward to next week when I’ll be dropping Chuck off and I’ll be on my own again.
Heading out once more with no plan and no safety line. It’s a daunting prospect. Plus, the longer I go, the more I feel as though I am out here on my own. My emails have dropped off to next to nothing and hardly anyone calls. I am beginning to feel the effects of this self-imposed isolation. Daily, I think about what I would do if I just stopped here. Head back up to the Northeast and get a job somewhere. But then I know that I would feel incomplete, as though I had left something important undone – which would obviously be the case. I’m down to a simple force of will that takes me forward. It helps to have plans to go to The Thing in the Woods at the end of the month. It gives me a sense of focus and direction. Otherwise I feel as though I am floating without any point of reference.
It’s funny how important it is to have plans. Even if I know that the likelihood is that I will never do what I have planned, having the plan gives me a sense of comfort and security. I haven’t set any plans in place for when I leave Chuck’s and I think that may be part of this funk. I have a general idea of what I’m doing, but nothing firmly set in my mind (as much as anything can be set on this journey of following the tides of the universe). It’s also knowing that I’m going to be on my own again. That is something I have been looking forward to, but it is also rather daunting. Financially, things are getting tight, and there will be no one to lean on if things get sticky.
Sigh. Well it will do me no good to dwell on this. Things will be the way they will be. All I can do is move forward and meet it.
(Update 2013 – This is a place I have been to many times in my life since this journey. The knowledge that I don’t know what will come, I don’t see how I will pay for it, and I don’t have a solid plan or any sense of control. This journey is what has gotten me through those times and allowed me to finally surrender [sometimes kicking and screaming, but surrender nonetheless] to what will come.)
* This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002. To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013. To see the entire journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.