July 29, 2013

Here is a list of my fears (transcribed from written journal)

Kelle Sparta

Please note that these are my fears. They are not all rational, nor are they based in what I understand to be reality, but they are my fears nonetheless. I share them with you that you may understand where I am coming from on this journey. If you choose to write to me in response to these, please be kind. I am very vulnerable here.

I am afraid that the universe will abandon me.
I’m afraid that there will be no one to catch me if I stumble.
I’m afraid that I am insignificant and powerless.
I’m afraid that no one will ever love me again.
I’m afraid that I’ll look back on my life and think it was all a huge mistake.
I’m afraid of being judged and found guilty of being irresponsible.
I’m afraid of not fitting in.
I’m afraid that I’m a fraud.
I’m afraid of being helpless.
I’m afraid people will be angry with me – for any reason.
I’m afraid I’m too lazy to do this right.
I’m afraid that I won’t be able to figure out what “this” is.
I’m afraid that I’m using this journey as an excuse to run away from my life and the intimacy that exists in it.
I’m afraid that I’ll never find a purpose for my life.
I’m afraid that I’m too small to make a difference – no matter how big I make myself.
I’m afraid of fucking up someone else’s life with one of my random comments.
I’m afraid that this sense I have that I need to prepare myself for a leadership role is nothing more than my ego running away with itself.
I’m afraid that the previous statement may not be true.
I’m afraid of failing and letting people down.
I’m afraid that I’ll never be allowed to settle down.
I’m afraid of being proven wrong and losing my faith.
I’m afraid that I am as powerful as I think and of the responsibility that comes with that.
I’m afraid that no one will want to read my memoirs.
I’m afraid that this “great quest for knowledge” is nothing more than the random wanderings of a spoiled child.


*As I step into launching the Spiritual Leader University, I am looking back at the fears I was facing 11 years ago and I am relieved to see that these fears are no longer part of me.  It’s nice to know that after all the hard work I’ve done on myself in the last 11 years, it is paying off.    

*This is part of an ongoing series of posts detailing what happened on a spiritual pilgrimage that I took in 2002.  To start from the beginning, go to July 2, 2013.  To see the entire journey as it gets published, click on the category “You Want Me To Do WHAT?!!?” to see all of the posts.  

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