Many people know that Sparta was the Greek City-State where the men and women were a warrior caste. What you may not know is that Kelle also means “Warrior” in Norse. My middle name, Lynn means “of the waterfall” and this seems most appropriate in my life.
I spent much of my early life being the warrior – defending myself and others from would-be abusers. Whether it was the person who cut in line or the person who was threatening a friend with physical harm, I was there. Defending those who could not defend themselves.
I didn’t know as a child, that the warrior path was so much more than this. As I developed my sense of self and my personal beliefs, I stepped onto a different part of the warrior’s path. It was the spiritual warrior. The person who delves deeply into themselves to see clearly and unvarnished the truth of who they are. This is a painful and often shaming experience. It is not pleasant. There is no one who has walked this path who will tell you that it is. You cannot hide from yourself on this path. That is a guarantee of self-destruction. You have to go headlong into your crap. You have to own your actions, deal with your upset, and decide to become responsible for your life. It’s a difficult decision to make and you are often challenged to walk away from it. But if you stay on the path, it can be more rewarding than anyone can ever explain to you before you step on it.
The thing that no one ever told me though was that the path could also be pleasurable. I’ve been walking this path hard-core for a little over 10 years now. And I’ve seen some really ugly things about myself. I’ve faced some harsh realities about who I am vs. who I wanted to see myself as. And I’ve made a lot of changes along the way as a result. I told people that you couldn’t walk this path unless you were a spiritual masochist like I am. And in the beginning, that is true.
But what I have discovered, 10 years and a lot of hard work into the process, is that there is an upside that is better than becoming a better person or being more balanced and peaceful. And that is this: I have learned to receive love. I have learned to receive it from others and from myself. I couldn’t allow myself this gift until I had done my penance by doing all the hard work first. But when I broke through that barrier, I found that all the love I had ever been given in my life, all of the love I had never been able to receive, was sitting there waiting for me to pick it up. I received love from people I hadn’t seen in years, it was still hanging out in my energy field, patiently waiting for the door to open so it could flood in. It was so overwhelming, my heart physically hurt for months. It ached with the fullness of it all.
Now I am working on the next level in my development. I’m working on letting go f the victim. Living in my victim in various fashions has allowed me to continue the cycle of masochism and I’m OK with letting that go now. I don’t have to struggle so hard. I don’t have to feel put upon or put down or unimportant. I am important – in my own life and in the lives of others. I matter. There’s nothing wrong with me. I have all the skills, resources and friends I need to get anything I want in life. I can take my victim off-duty – she’s taught me what I needed to know. And for that I am grateful.
